When Fox Attacks
by Majin Vegeta
Summary: It's a fic about what would happen if Fox suddenly had Slayers on part of it's Saturday Morning block thing. Expect my usual brand of insane humor here.


When Fox Attacks  
By:Majin Vegeta  
  
I'm sure all of you guys heard the news about Fox getting Slayers on TV  
and I'm sure you're all extremely scared about it. (Look what they did  
to Escaflowne!). Thankfully, Slayers doesn't seem to be appearing on Fox  
anytime soon, but this fic is about what would happen if Slayers was on  
Fox. Scared yet? Read on!  
  
Disclaimer:I don't own Slayers (although it would be nice to) or the Fox  
Networks (the only reason I would want to own them is because they have  
more money then I do).   
  
Warning:Several bits of character bashing (very tiny bits!!!!). But I  
like all the Slayers characters, so don't get the wrong idea.   
  
******  
  
::One day Lina and company were walking through some obscure town that  
NOBODY knew the name of::  
  
Lina:Dang it! ::Grunts:: What the heck?  
  
Zelgadis:I think it has something to do with the rights of our show  
going to Fox.  
  
Lina:I never heard of them.  
  
Zelgadis:Neither has anyone else. ::Shrugs::  
  
Gourry:Aren't they the people who come up with those specials?  
  
Zelgadis:You mean like 'When Justice Loving Princesses Attack part 121  
and a half'?   
  
Gourry:Yeah!  
  
Amelia:Hey that's not very nice Zel-sama!  
  
Zelgadis:Oh well.  
  
::Everyone just continues walking through that obscure town that has no  
name what so ever::  
  
Lina:Do you guys even remember how we got here?  
  
::Everyone shakes their heads::  
  
::A loud laugh booms from nowhere and fades away in several seconds::  
  
Gourry:What was that?  
  
Zelgadis:The author laughing like always.  
  
Gourry:Oh. Why did we have to get such a screwball author?  
  
Amelia:Gourry-san!!!! Majin-san isn't a screwball! He's just....unique!  
  
Lina:No he's a screwball alright.  
  
Zelgadis:She got you there.  
  
Amelia:Yeah I guess you're right. But it's still unjust!  
  
::Suddenly Gourry walks into a pole with a small piece of paper attached  
to it::  
  
Gourry:Ow! ::Falls down::  
  
Lina:Did you hurt that pole Gourry? ::Runs over to the pole to check if  
it's okay::  
  
Gourry:No.  
  
Lina:Ok good! ::Reads the paper on the pole:: NANI?  
  
Amelia: ::Helps Gourry up and walks over to Lina:: What is it Lina-chan?  
  
Lina: ::Hands Amelia the paper:: It's...too....horrible...to...bear.  
  
Amelia: ::Reads the paper:: This is *unjust* and *evil*!   
  
The paper reads (in big writing): Coming soon to Fox, The Ultimate  
Wizards Society!. ::In little writing under the big words it says 'Also  
known as Slayers'::  
  
::Everyone reads the paper, even Gourry managed to do it somehow::  
  
Zelgadis:We have to stop them!  
  
::Everyone nods and runs to Fox Studios::  
  
::For no apparent reason a commercial break occurs::  
  
******  
  
::The Fox Kids screen that announces a commercial break comes on::  
  
Fox Kids Announcer Dude:Who holds the record for keeping secrets? Find  
out when we return!  
  
::Then a commercial comes on::  
  
Xelloss:Hello kids, I'm Xelloss! ^_^ ::Looks directly in the camera::  
Did you know that over a million people die a year due to Mazoku  
killings? Too bad isn't it? ::The 'More You Know' star appears above  
Xel's head:: What in the world is that doing there? ^_^ ::Blasts the  
star with a spell and it fades::  
  
::The next commercial comes on. Fibrizo and Zangulus are talking about  
something::  
  
Zangulus:Dirty windows?  
  
Fibrizo:Dang howdy!  
  
Zangulus:You should use Howling Sword Window Cleaner (tm) then! ::Pulls  
out a bottle of the window cleaner and gives a big fake smile complete  
with sparkling teeth::  
  
Fibrizo:Wowie zowie! ::Uses the cleaner and his window is cleaned:: I'm  
glad I had this Howling Sword Window Cleaner (tm) or my window would  
have been dirty all day!   
::Throws away his bottle of Ruby Eye Shabranigdo's Really Bad Window  
Cleaner Brand B (tm)::  
  
Zangulus:Yippie skippy! ::Winks his left eye and gives a big thumbs up::  
  
::The next commercial comes on. Filia and Martina are playing a game of  
brass racket with eerie theme music playing in the background::  
  
Eerie Theme Music Singers (ETMS):Where ever you are, whatever you do,  
Ryozoku Mints will help you!  
  
::Filia hits the energy ball thing at Martina::  
  
ETMS:Fresh goes better with Ryozoku Mints! Fresh goes better with  
Ryozoku Mints!  
  
::Martina grabs a package of Ryozoku Mints and pops one in her mouth.  
Now she has the energy to win! She hits the energy ball thing back at  
Filia and it goes about one hundred miles an hour, which causes Filia to  
miss::  
  
ETMS:Ryozoku Mints, the freshmaker!  
  
::Martina gives a big thumbs up and Filia gives a big thumbs down::  
  
::The next commercial comes on. Nahga and Gaav are sitting together at a  
table eating some tacos::  
  
Nahga:These tacos are mui bien!  
  
Gaav:Si si!!!!!   
  
::Some red flashing colors come on screen that say 'Tacos for only 99  
cents. Only at Valgaav Bell'. The bell rings when the last line is  
said::  
  
::The final interruption comes on. Rezo is sitting at a desk looking all  
professional like::  
  
Rezo:Excuse the interruption, but some horrible horrible news just came  
in. Today China officially became a communist nation.  
  
::Suddenly a guy walks in front of Rezo and starts whispering some  
things to him::  
  
Rezo:Oh...ok. I mean, today O.J. Simpson got away with murder.  
  
::That guy comes back and whispers some more to Rezo::  
  
Rezo:But *he* did get away with murder. *Anyway* that's it for Rezo's  
Rad News break.  
  
::The news fades to black and that Fox Kids screen thing comes on::  
  
Fox Kids Announcer Dude:The person who holds the record of keeping  
secrets is a secret! Too bad huh?  
  
******  
  
::Lina and company surround the Fox Studios looking pretty angry. Of  
course since there were five million commercials the important parts  
were cut out::  
  
Lina:I hate this!  
  
::All of Lina-tachi nodded. Suddenly a Fox Kids Producer came outside.  
He was dressed in all Digimon clothing while playing a little Digimon  
game. In fact, this producer was a kid himself::  
  
Fox Kids Producer:Digivolve into ultra super powerful level! ::Pounds on  
some buttons::  
  
Amelia:Nani?  
  
Fox Kids Producer (FKP):What's a 'nani'?   
  
::Everyone sweatdrops::  
  
Lina:Even Gourry knows that!   
  
Gourry:I do?  
  
Lina:Yes baka! ::Smacks Gourry on the head::  
  
FKP:'Baka', what's that? ::Looks back to his little Digimon game:: WHOO!  
I killed Ultrasuperpowerfulevildemon and saved the Digital World for the  
second time today! WHOOOOOO I RULE!!! ::Dances around::  
  
::Everyone sweatdrops again::  
  
Zelgadis:Can we just see the manager?  
  
FKP:No! ::Goes back to playing his game:: Hahahahaha, Digimon rules,  
Pokemon drools!  
  
::A swarm of Kids WB lawyers come out of nowhere and hand FKP a paper::  
  
Kids WB Lawyers:We'll see you in court!  
  
FKP:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ::Gets on his knees and takes a  
breath:: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!   
  
Lina:Ok then! We'll just be going in now! Bye!  
  
::Lina-tachi walk into the Fox Studios while the FKP still screams::  
  
Gourry:What's he screaming about anyway?  
  
Lina:The world may never know, or really care for that matter.  
  
::The Slayers stop at a large monolith like structure in the middle of  
the Fox studios::  
  
Everyone:Nani?  
  
::Suddenly a small man appears out of nowhere::  
  
Small Man:Ah! My Goddess! ::Gasps::  
  
Zelgadis:.....  
  
Lina:What Goddess?  
  
Small Man: ::Moves in a blur next to Lina and starts rubbing his face  
with Lina's cape:: My *Goddess*!  
  
Lina: ::Glares death at the little man and punches him off of her cape::  
DIE! DILL BRAND! ::The little man is engulfed in the spell and is sent  
through the roof. He then makes a little anime type sparkle when he  
reaches the sky::  
  
Amelia:That was just weird. ::Sweatdrops::  
  
Lina:You said it!  
  
::Then a bunch of strange people walk out from behind the monolith like  
structure. They are all wearing shirts with various anime characters on  
them::  
  
Person 1:WOW! It's Lina-sama and the Slayers cast! SLAYERS RULES! WHOO!  
  
Person 2:I thought the cast of Ranma 1/2 was supposed to be here today.  
THIS SUCKS! BOO! SLAYERS SUX!  
  
Person 3:BAKA! Ranma is *so* stupid! Magic Knight Rayearth is the way to  
go!  
  
Person 1:No Slayers!  
  
Person 2:No Ranma!  
  
Person 3:No MKR!  
  
::The three strange people keep on arguing about which anime is the best  
for no apparent reason at all::  
  
Everyone (the Slayers):Nani?  
  
Person 1:WOW! They all said nani at the same time! KAWAII!!!!!! ::Runs  
up to Amelia:: Can I have your autograph? Can I can I can I can I can I  
can I can I?  
  
Amelia:Sure!  
  
::Suddenly Lina just Dragu Slaves all the people into oblivion::  
  
Lina:Bakas!  
  
Amelia: ::Is all pouty eyed:: That was unjust.  
  
Lina:Deal with it!  
  
::Again for no reason a commercial break occurs::  
  
******  
  
::The Fox Kids screen that announces a commercial break comes on yet  
again::  
  
Fox Kids Announcer Dude:What anime did we mess up the most? Find out  
when we return!  
  
::Then another long commercial break occurs::  
  
::The first commercial shows Sylphil munching on a bag of cheese puffs::  
  
Sylphil:Yum! I love my Shrine Maiden Puffs! They sure taste good!  
  
::Suddenly a flashing screen comes on with a big bag of Shrine Maiden  
Puffs (tm) on it and little kid's heads swirling around it. The kid's  
heads are singing an annoying song::  
  
Kid Singers:Shrine Maiden Puffs taste really good! Shrine Maiden Puffs  
are from the hood! Shrine Maiden Puffs are really really really really  
really really really really swell! You can even eat them in....heck!  
SHRINE MAIDEN PUFFS RULE!   
  
Sylphil:I love them. ::Eats a cheese puff and looks disgusted:: These  
things are disgusting! ICK!  
  
::The next commercial suddenly comes on. This time it has LoN on it for  
who knows what reason::  
  
LoN:Can't sleep? Then you should take my 'Prevent-o-nightmare' tablet!  
::Evil laugh::  
  
::Amelia's voice suddenly speeds by with warnings and stuff::  
  
Amelia's Voice:If you take a 'prevent-o-nightmare' tablet you will die  
instantly! Wait a second that's very unjust! How can you sell something  
like this L-sama?  
  
LoN:Just read the script would you?  
  
Amelia's Voice:Ok ok fine. 'Prevent-o-death' tablets sold separately!  
::Proceeds to make dozens of justice speeches and stuff::  
  
LoN:'Prevent-o-nightmare' tablets, they're perfectly just! ::Gives a big  
fake thumbs up::  
  
::Another Amelia speech occurs, but nobody listens or cares::  
  
::Another commercial comes on with Fibrizo and Xelloss on it::  
  
Xelloss:Fall down? Get hit by a large mace? Call Fibrizo and Xelloss and  
we will get you money! ^_^  
  
Fibrizo:That's right!  
  
::Suddenly Filia runs in and smashes Xel with her mace, then leaves::  
  
Fibrizo:Looks like we're going to have to sue Filia again Xel!  
  
Xelloss:That's right! ^_^  
  
::The next commercial comes on. This time it's something about 'Gaav's  
Ultimate Circus'::  
  
Gaav:Come to my ultimate circus on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! You will see  
things that will astound and amaze you! Such as the world's biggest  
justice-lover, the world's youngest sorcery genius, and the world's most  
secretive Mazoku priest! Also for a limited time only you can get your  
picture taken with the man with the purple wire hair! Only on Sunday,  
Sunday, Sunday!   
  
::The final commercial of this break comes on. It has Majin Vegeta  
sitting on a seat::  
  
MV:Boy am I ever so bummed!  
  
::A creepy voice (aka David Moo's voice ^_^) comes from nowhere::  
  
Creepy Voice:Why is that?  
  
MV:I only get to be in commercials in my own fic! Oh ho hum!  
  
Creepy Voice:Don't worry, you can use Majin Vegeta's ultimate  
self-insertion kit!  
  
MV:But that's me!  
  
Creepy Voice:Well errr then you can't use it sorry!  
  
MV:Oh no, I am ever so sad now.  
  
::The commercial turns off and that Fox Kids screen comes up again::  
  
Fox Kids Announcer Dude:The answer is every anime we ever had on this  
station! Wow, we really suck huh? But not as much as FUNimation!   
  
******  
  
::Lina-tachi are now in a waiting room. The commercials cut off all of  
the important stuff and humorous antics of the cast::  
  
Zelgadis:I really wish we knew how we got in this place in the first  
place.  
  
::Suddenly the great Trickster Priest himself teleports in the room::  
  
Xelloss:Sore wa himitsu desu! ^_^  
  
::And there was much rejoicing by Xelloss fans::  
  
Lina:Xelloss? ::Hits Xel over the head:: Why are you here now?  
  
Xelloss:I could tell you but that won't be any fun would it? ^_^  
  
Lina: ::Grunts:: Anyway, we have to get to the bottom of this.  
  
Xelloss:Oh can I? ^_^ ::Pokes Lina's butt::  
  
::Due to the excessive violence caused by Xel's action, this part of the  
fic will not be seen::  
  
Zelgadis:Well that was stupid. ::Everyone gasps as if they weren't  
expecting Zelgadis to say it, which they were of course:: Haha very  
funny.  
  
Amelia:Sorry Zelgadis-san but you always say that line in everyone of  
Majin's fics.   
  
Xelloss:Anyway ::Gets up from the floor. He looks all beaten up and  
stuff:: shall we continue my friends? ^_^  
  
Lina:I can hardly wait!  
  
::A strange force (also known as the power of the author ^_^) opened the  
door of the waiting room and several strange voices came out of it::  
  
Voice 1:NEXT!  
  
::Lina-tachi all blinked and went into the main office. They are  
surprised to find that they are now in a large office with Digimon  
posters *everywhere*. Three people are sitting on wooden stools, each  
glaring at each one of the Slayers::  
  
Person 1: ::Using a monotone voice:: State your names.  
  
Lina:Lina Inverse, the supreme sorcery genius!  
  
Zelgadis:Zelgadis Greywers, the 'heartless mystical swordsman'.  
  
Amelia: ::Facefaults:: Amelia Wil Telsa Syluun, the ultimate ally of  
love, justice, and Sailor Moon! ::Strikes a dramatic pose::  
  
::Everyone sweatdrops::  
  
Gourry:Ummm my name is uhhhh ::Looks down at his shirt:: Gourry Gabriev  
the uhhh ::Looks down at his shirt again:: Swordsman of Light!  
  
Lina:Good thing we put that name tag of Gourry!  
  
Xelloss:My ideas are so good. ^_^  
  
Lina:Shut up fruitcake!  
  
Xelloss:....  
  
Person 2: ::Using a voice of an annoying car salesman:: State your name  
sir and this brand new Honda Civic will be yours, yours, yours!  
  
Xelloss: ::Sweatdrops then gets in his trademark 'that is a secret'  
position:: Sore wa himitsu desu! ^_^  
  
Person 1:Very good ladies and gentlemen. Miss Sorcery, Mr. Heartless,  
Miss Justice, Mr. Light, Mr. Himitsu, what are you here for?  
  
::Everyone sweatdrops at the names the person called them::  
  
Lina:Those aren't our names.  
  
Person 1: ::Ignores Lina:: What are you here for?  
  
Lina: ::Growls:: I'll teach you to ignore me! FIR-  
  
Zelgadis: ::Grabs Lina and sighs:: Be quiet. We're here becau-  
  
Amelia:We are here because of your injustices!!!!!!!!!!! ::Pulls out the  
paper from before and shows it to them:: This is *UNJUST*!  
  
Person 3:Hey Bobster, that's your Kia outside ain't it? ::Points out the  
window::  
  
Person 2 ('Bobster'):It isssssssssssss, isn't it?  
  
Xelloss:I think everyone is ignoring Amelia, just like always. ^_^  
  
Zelgadis:You noticed too fruitcake?   
  
Xelloss:Yes I did. ^_^  
  
Amelia:Zelgadis-san, Xelloss-san, that's so mean! ::Glares at them and  
then back at the three people:: You fiends! Explain this...horror!!!!  
::Shakes the paper around::  
  
Person 1:We're making money off of this crappy little Japanese animation  
show called Slayers. Why don't you just calm down little girl?  
  
::Lina-tachi all glare at Person 1 and fire several spells (strangely  
even Gourry did! ^_^) at him, killing the guy off::  
  
Person 3:Goodness, they killed Skyler (person 1)!  
  
Person 2:They diiiiiiiiid, didn't they?  
  
Lina:TELL US WHY YOU DID THIS OR YOU'LL END UP LIKE HIM TOO!  
  
Person 3:Hey Bobster, Happy Cinco De Mayo! WEEEEE!   
  
::Lina-tachi sweatdrops::  
  
Lina:NANI?  
  
Person 3:We like music, we like that disco sound!   
  
Zelgadis:Baka.  
  
Lina:What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Person 3:TIMMY!  
  
::Lina-tachi sweatdrop again::  
  
Lina:That does it! DIGU BOLT! ::Person 3 gets shocked to death::  
  
Person 2:You killed Captain Cantaloupe, now you get the prize behind  
door number 2! ::Points out the window:: It's a brand new Volkswagen  
Beetle!!!!  
  
Zelgadis:Somebody just put him out of his misery.   
  
::Xelloss pokes person 2 with his staff to death::  
  
Gourry:That's harsh torture!  
  
Xelloss:It isssssssss, isn't it? ^_^  
  
Lina:Shut up baka! ::Smacks Xelloss over the head::  
  
::Suddenly a large portal opens up and a person enshrouded in white  
light comes out of it. Lina-tachi shield their eyes::  
  
Amelia:Who...who...who are you?  
  
Person:I am a good dubbing company.  
  
Xelloss:They really exist! ^_^ Who would have thought?  
  
Everyone but Xel:Not us.  
  
Person:I have come to end the episode happily ever after. ::Raises hand  
and everything goes back to normal in Slayers land and everyone got sent  
off there. That is, everyone except for the great trickster priest::  
  
Xelloss:Who are you really?  
  
Person: ::Evil Xelloss type look:: Sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Xelloss:I see! ^_^  
  
Person:Aye! Now it's time for a commercial break!  
  
Xelloss:Why? ^_^  
  
Person:Because I said so. Roll em!  
  
::The final commercial break starts::  
  
******  
  
::The Fox Kids screen that announces a commercial break comes on yet  
again::  
  
Fox Kids Announcer Dude:Why do we make so many specials? Find out when  
we return! (If you're lucky that is!)  
  
::Then another commercial break occurs::  
  
::The first commercial rolls and it shows Zelgadis walking beside a big  
bus with a little dog on it::  
  
Zelgadis:You're stupid!  
  
::A creepy announcer voice comes out of nowhere::  
  
Creepy Announcer Voice:Think that other bus services are stupid?  
  
::The next frame rolls and this time it shows Zelgadis jumping on top of  
a tour bus::  
  
Zelgadis:Go faster!  
  
Creepy Announcer Voice:Think that tour buses go to slow? Well never fear  
my friends! You can ride on the new Greywers buses! That's right! Go  
Greywers and leave the driving to us!  
  
::The logo appears on screen and Zel walks in front of it::  
  
Zelgadis:Well that was stupid.  
  
::The commercial quickly changes. This time it shows Lina and Filia  
playing with two sticks. That creepy announcer voice returns once  
again::  
  
Creepy Announcer Voice:Tired of playing with boring old sticks?  
  
::Lina and Filia nod::  
  
Creepy Announcer Voice:Then buy the new Justice Girl and Blue Chimera  
(see Slayers Masterpiece Theater ^_^) action figures *TODAY*! ::Suddenly  
two action figures pop up in Lina and Filia's hands::  
  
Lina:Wow! My Justice Girl action figure says over fifty million  
*wholesome* phrases! ::Pushes the button on the little action figures  
back and a strange distorted Amelia type voice comes out of it::  
  
Strange Distorted Voice:Eat your drugs and don't do vegetables!   
  
::Lina sweatdrops and presses the button again::   
  
Strange Distorted Voice:Walk your homework and do your dog!   
  
::Lina facefaults and blasts the Justice Girl action figure with a  
spell::  
  
Creepy Announcer Voice:Isn't it great? Try out that Blue Chimera action  
figure Filia!  
  
Filia: ::Sweatdrops and presses the button on the Blue Chimera's back. A  
strange distorted Zelgadis voice comes out of it::  
  
Strange Distorted Voice 2:I am a Nazi! I am a Nazi! Hail Hitler!  
  
::Filia sweatdrops and hits the Blue Chimera action figure over the head  
with her mace, thus destroying it::  
  
Creepy Announcer Voice:Aren't they great? ::The camera zooms out::  
Justice Girl and Blue Chimera action figures don't come with batteries,  
heads, cute little action figure clothes, or anything really. Brought to  
you by Inflamico, the company of flamers!   
  
::The next commercial comes on. This time it has Nahga laughing  
insanely (usual laugh ^_^) as she is reading tarot cards. For some odd  
reason she has a Jamaican accent::  
  
Nahga:I can predict your future, mon! Ask my satisfied customers!  
  
::The (prerecorded) voice of Lina comes out of nowhere::  
  
Lina's Voice:Yeah Miss Nahga told me the future. Ask her to read your  
tarot today! This is not a scheme for us to make tons of money!  
  
Nahga:Call me now for your free readin', mon! ::The commercial flickers  
off::  
  
::The last and final commercial comes on. This time the camera is  
focused in on Kopii Rezo::  
  
Kopii Rezo:Hello, I'm Kopii Rezo, but you may know me as Kopii Rezo from  
the second half of the first Slayers season. I am here today to tell you  
about the wonders of Cluriten allergy pills.   
  
::The camera zooms in on a pollen infested field of wheat, barley,  
roses, and other stuff::   
  
Kopii Rezo:Take Cluriten to get rid of your allergies *FOREVER*!  
  
::The camera then zooms in on a graveyard::  
  
Kopii Rezo:Or else you will die! You decide what happens to your life!  
BUY CLURITEN NOW!  
  
::The commercial cuts off and the Fox Kids screen comes up for the final  
time::  
  
Fox Kids Announcer Dude:Well uhhh we need ratings you know. Our only  
good shows are on Sundays and Tuesdays after all!   
  
******  
  
::Lina-tachi (yes all of them) are eating in a restaurant and everything  
ended happily ever after::  
  
Xelloss:The end! ^_^  
  
::Cute little calligraphy forms over Xelloss' head that says 'the end'  
on it::  
  
******  
  
So how did you like that fic people? I know what you're all thinking  
right now, we want to give Majin tons of good reviews because this fic  
ruled! Well go ahead then my friends, review it if you must! ^_^  
  



End file.
